Watch out
Heard of the 'Magic Roundabout'? No? Familiarize yourself, especially if you plan to work as a junior in M&A.
It's supposedly for wimps...
In fact, you will probably have lunch. Banks like Goldman have impressive cafeterias for this exact purpose. But you will probably have a quick lunch and may not leave the building or your desk in order to purchase and consumer it.
There'll be none of that. Old friends who work in government-type jobs might be meeting up for midweek drinks. You will have drinks with the team, or not at all.
Most banks will feed you if you work late enough into the evening. Grocery shopping will become a thing of the past.
You'll be in bed, or at work.
You'll be at work, or trying to meet up with the old friends who invited you out during the week.
You'll be in a onesie in front of the TV, trying to prepare for the week ahead.
Like the Chinese, your parents may need to enforce visits if they're to see you at all.
You will see them even less than your parents.
You will see them as much as your parents, unless they move into your apartment and start trying to borrow money on the assumption that you're rich.
As Deutsche Bank CEO Anshu Jain observed, people may stop talking when they find you work in banking.
Non-banking friends will stop inviting you when they find you work all the time and usually drop out at the last moment.
While university friends are bonding at marches to protest against austerity, you'll be getting cabs and expensing your meals.
Instead, he will choose your mutual friend who works in the 3rd sector. You will be invited to become godparent to the child of the university friend without much money who foresees you becoming wealthy in future and whose wife is ambivalent about your career choice.
They'll meet someone else at a protest march.
You won't have time for them.
They'll meet someone else at a protest march.
It will mostly stay propped up in the hall.
Only Lloyd Blankfein is allowed one.
Only Frank Quattrone is allowed one.
Leading indicator that you will not succeed in finance.
No one wears canvas shoes, unless they work at Barclays.
You will become fearful of anyone finding your Facebook self.
You will become fearful of anyone finding your Twitter self.
Scrap this immediately.
Same.
After several months working under artificial lighting and taking the subway/tube late at night or early in the morning, their blend of cheery-but-meaningful folksy music will seem the perfect antidote to your day at work.
They will be plentiful, especially if you're in London.
Try hypnosis.
Try hypnosis.
Start working on your partner-laugh.
Think of yourself as "excelling" and "performing exceptionally well."
There will be random drug tests. Marijuana remains in the body for up to 13 days.
You will get fat, carbohydrates will contribute to this.
You work for a bank, not for Google, not for Facebook.
Parrots are more demanding pets than dogs. See 34.
Flesh-coloured is preferable, according to UBS.
Eating garlic is unwise, according to UBS.
Eating onions is unwise, according to UBS.
Foot talons are inappropriate, according to UBS.
Take your lead from Lloyd Blankfein.
Laura Dimon, Caroline Gorman, Nellie Diamond - none are bankers.
Stephen Hester only got to tend his topiary a few times a year.
So you thought you could combine a job on Wall Street with living in a monastery? It won't work long term.
You will not have time be totally mindful of your Excel spreadsheet or Bloomberg terminal.
Tone it down. Especially if you're on the trading floor.
If you work in sales, you will be expected to drink with clients. If you work in trading, you will be expected to drink with brokers.
Peppermint tea is inadequate as a stimulant.
There will be burgers. There will also be Krispy Kremes.
You may not find your banking job too meaningful - unless you repeat to yourself the words of Nobel prize winner Robert Schiller, who last year told finance graduates that, "Finance, at its best, does not merely manage risk, but also acts as the steward of society’s assets and an advocate of its deepest goals." Remember that.
