GUEST COMMENT: "Daddy, get me a job in banking" - the curse of V.I.P. juniors
No-one would argue with the truism "it's not what you know but whom you know", but can I be the only one out there who went into banking thinking brains and financial ability might also have something to do with success and career progression?
Granted, I was pretty naive. It was boom times, banks were hiring anyone who could walk and chew gum at the same time. As a result I received several job offers and thought I'd be sipping Margaritas on my own private island by now (paid for in cash, natch). So far, so slow to materialise (although I'm working on my first timeshare on a small island in the Thames).
As I ploughed through the grunt work that all juniors do in large banks, I noticed a curious breed of analyst. Their suits were tailor made (sometimes better than the ones my boss wore, a man who probably already had that Caribbean Island on hire-purchase) and their hair was plumed into quiffs of cheese-grater like proportions.
Typically, they did very little work, and got away with it. They were treated with a special kind of deference by my superiors that was normally reserved for important clients.
Then one day the penny dropped. The triple barrelled surnames, perfectly manicured fingers which had never known the calluses of us other hard-working Excel monkeys, the blue-blooded airs and graces and the blank looks when I produced an Oyster card (since they travelled everywhere in taxis or their Ferraris) - these were V.I.P. analysts.
Their fathers headed up corporations which owned huge portions of (usually developing) countries. Having these aristo-oligarch kids on the firm's payrolls was a no-brainer, since their dads, uncles and grandparents paid far more in fees to the bank than the trifling amounts top-ranked analysts and associates were getting paid in my year. And these kids were always top-ranked, despite never doing any work. They were more likely to be found in the office of the Chairman of EMEA M&A discussing golf handicaps and shooting trips than toiling away on 90-page pitch books.
Generally they were found in M&A and not markets - after all how much damage can they do to a PowerPoint presentation, whereas in markets there was a very possibility that one of these inbred dullards would be responsible for a fat-fingered trade which blew up the firm's balance sheet. It's not hard to imagine them resting their sterling silver Hermes business card holder on a trader's keyboard and accidentally buying 5% of BP's market cap.
Like every generalisation there are exceptions which prove the rule. One of my close friends was associate to an intern whose father owned a large bank in a small country (without being too specific it was the kind of place where tripe is still considered a delicacy). He was exceptionally talented and very hard working. Perhaps banking was in his blood; rumour had it that his first words were "Core Tier One Ratio". He was smart and diligent, and good luck to him, but he was not the norm.
What to do if you recognise these descriptions all too well? My advice is to disguise your disgust. Sometimes V.I.P. analysts are powerful allies - they are best mates with all the bosses after all. They also tend to hold memberships to several top nightclubs Keep these guys close and stay on their good sides. This is a long game; if you really want that tropical island they may well be able to help you on your way.
