FRED BAYR: The mere fact that you're CALLING a recruitment consultant says something bad

Up until three years ago, banks were akin to the psyche of Harry Enfield - churning out inarticulate characters who paraded the streets yelling "loadsamoney." Now, in the thick of post recession bonus season, unless you're Bob Diamond, the only noise you'll make about your bonus will be a call to a recruitment consultant.

Candidates should never call recruiters; they should be headhunted. A poor bonus is a clear message that you are as useful as a degree from Oxford Brookes University. No matter how desperate you are, the last thing you want to be known for is speaking to a recruiter - especially in bonus season.

On the other hand, bonus season is a time of pure pleasure for the average recruitment consultant. At this time of year, we can stroll into work, sit back with large mugs of coffee and avoid making cold calls for three months. For once, we are in control.

During these joyous three months, we will receive calls from the following:

1) The Pride Swallowers:

I recall phoning a finance project manager at 8.03 pm one November evening. Before I could finish my pitch he interrupted: " Fred, open your diary. I'll tell you the day I'll call you back: never"

I got a call from him last week.

He claimed to have dialled the wrong number. However, he continued in a weird voice reminiscent of Oliver Twist : "Since you're on the phone Fred, what opportunities are on the market above 110K"?

This was the highlight of my career to date.

I replied: "I'm afraid there are none for people paid below the market."

2) The Paranoid Wrecks

These paranoid wrecks are - clearly - paranoid that anyone else will find out how badly they've been paid.

I met one candidate whose wife works in my office. For reasons known only to himself, he was incredibly concerned that she should not know the size of his bonus. I was tempted to suggest that I would tell her unless he gave me 10k. Being a good man, I didn't.

3) The Clients Turned Candidates

CTCs can also fall into the paranoid wreck category. This is largely due to the immense trauma that comes from their sudden drop in status

The typical CTC is someone who has spent the entire year complaining about our performance and failure to unearth a Serbo-Croat speaking equity researcher specialising in utility companies who's willing to relocate to London for a fraction of the market rate.

Having spent long months pointing out how useless we are, the typical CTC will suddenly change his tune. Out of the blue comes a call declaring: "Hi Fred, I'm beginning to find life here isn't challenging enough. Can we meet"?

Do they not know some of us recruiters can actually read newspapers?

Bankers always complain recruiters lack ethics. Here is one honest recruiter giving you genuine advice- never make a move close to bonus season; it could limit how much you earn in years to come. Seriously.

Fred Bayer is the pseudonym of a financial services recruitment consultant working in the City of London.