THE OUTSIDER: What to do when your bonus is disappointingly small
Tell me it's a nightmare and that I'm going to wake up soon. This could well be the year when despite brilliant results, nobody gets well paid. Surely not. It seems so unfair.
In markets awash with excess liquidity pumped in by those kind fellows from the central banks, and the awfully accommodating taxpayers who stand behind them, we've done well.
Governments have sent equity markets soaring, and of course we've all shown how smart we are, 'managing' rights issues at thumping discounts that the wretched shareholders have to take up, while marking up our fees magnificently to allow for the 'risk' that we're taking, producing bumper profits so soon after the firm was on its knees... And it could all be for nothing.
Just because of a bunch of jealous politicians playing to the gallery with some cheap shots about bankers' bonuses.
All that politicking through the year, taking undeserved victory laps for other people's successes, careful positioning oneself at team meetings as the rainmaker best placed to bring home the bacon next year, asking the most sycophantic questions at the awful town hall meetings with management - it could all be for nothing if everyone now gets badly paid.
And if the unthinkable happens, how do you respond? Not like one former colleague of mine, who stormed out of the meeting with his boss, returned to his desk, swept everything onto the floor and left the building. It was only the next day that he realized that even the paltry half million he'd had a tantrum about wouldn't be paid if he wasn't actually on the payroll at the end of the month because he'd quit. When he tried to sneak back in his card - predictably - didn't work. He'd resigned. The firm was half a million better off.
Dignity is a useful watchword at such times. If the number is so painful that you really have to swallow hard, then do exactly that. At least hang on until you collect it.
If you need to buy some time, here are a few useful phrases:
'It's not what I was expecting. How do you think I should feel about this?' (Tip: this can also be useful if they've overpaid relative to your expectations: just don't blink).
'What more might I have done to get a better number?'
'Is this consistent with my performance review?' (A low ball - your boss may not even have read your performance review. Your number is the result of a political process that would leave Kremlinologists speechless).
'What additional responsibilities can I take on for next year?' (Keep a straight face. The reality is that your next call is to a headhunter, but let your boss think you're there for the long term - seeing his face will be sweet when you eventually resign to go to the opposition).
'How does this place me in relative terms?' (Cue a stream of consciousness flow of platitudes about the middle ground, room for improvement, encouraging signs, need to keep up the energy and enthusiasm, blah, blah...just don't lose interest and let him catch you staring out the window).
Above all, remember that it's a small world, that life in the casino of the Square Mile is fast, exciting, often unfair, but never dull. And it's amazing quite how quickly your boss might find himself parked on the sidelines with a desk, a meaningless 'Vice Chairman' title and a hunting licence, while you're moving up fast in line management, passing Go and deciding whether he gets to stay at the firm or goes in the next dinosaur cull.
Patience, calmness under fire, and playing a long game will pay off in the end. Even if they don't this year.
David Charters' latest book, 'Where Egos Dare', is published by Elliott and Thompson, price 6.99.
