Deconstructing Goldman's big PR push

Lucas Van Praag has gone into PR overdrive.

In mid-October, Van P said a charm offensive was necessary to defuse all the giant squid stuff. He's been true to his word.

Over the past few weeks Goldman's top people have written various articles and given numerous interviews, culminating in yesterday's Goldman extravaganza in the Sunday Times.

Having purveyed them all, this is our opinion of what Lloyd, Lucas et al appear to be saying, in condensed form.

1) We are a highly selective network of mutually reliant Buddhists

In his recent article in the Financial Times, Michael Sherwood wrote, "People are our only tangible asset. That is why we handpick them, one by one."

Sherwood also wrote: "From recently recruited graduate to senior leader, we all believe in the same values: our clients come first, our reputation is paramount and our business principles must ensure the safety and soundness of our firm...We rely on each other, not on any expectation of outside assistance."

Message for jobseekers: Expect 30+ interviews as part of the handpicking process; express willingness throughout to subordinate your personality to the greater good of Goldman Sachs.

2) Don't think we were born into, or necessarily enjoy, the trappings of money

Blankfein told The Times he's just a 'blue collar kind of guy' who grew up in Brooklyn. The paper also observed that The Firm employs a single mother as a treasurer who works in an office with a stain on the carpet.

Message for jobseekers: Don't be flash. Don't portray yourself as someone with an innate affinity for extraordinary wealth.

3) We work like dogs

Sarah Smith, 50, "a former convent schoolgirl from Bromley in Kent who left Britain to become Goldman's chief accountant" told The Times, "It's a 24/7 culture. When you're needed, you're here. And if you're needed and you're not answering your phone, you won't be needed very long."

She also said she gets hardly any holiday.

Message for jobseekers: Don't even think of asking about working hours.

4) We foster paranoia and pervasive uncertainty

(This one may not be a big PR focus). "There is a deep and constant paranoia about everything we do," Sherwood told The Times. "It applies to an individual's performance and the prospects for the firm as a whole."

Message for jobseekers: During the repetitive interview process, avoid displaying signs of neurosis or any indication that you may crack under pressure.

5) We will carry on paying well

In his speech at the Handelsblatt banking conference in September, Blankfein argued it's ok to pay bonuses when you haven't lost money, but not when you have: "There is little justification for the payment of outsized discretionary compensation when a financial institution lost money for the year."

Separately, he told Fortune that (generous) compensation is, "a key element of our success."

Message for jobseekers: If you become sufficiently senior at Goldman, you will get paid. Do not state your urge to become rich in the interview however (see point 2).

6) We are GOOD

Goldman has a higher purpose: "We contribute to growth," Blankfein told Fortune. "Once the economy starts to turn, we get very involved."

Lloyd warmed to his subject in the interview with the Times, telling them, "We have a higher social purpose."

Message for jobseekers: Mention the transformative power of capitalism. Biblical allusions may not go amiss