GUEST COMMENT: The six species of obnoxious investment banking employee

With the silly season upon us and journalists more interested in holidays and swine flu than criticising financial services, 'burn the banker' coverage has abated. It was good while it lasted: it almost created a sense of solidarity in the Square Mile and Canary Wharf. But before we get too carried away with a sense of our own virtue, it's worth remembering why we sometimes don't like ourselves very much either. Hands up who recognises...

The one who...has been promoted out of harms way

Generally quiet for the first five to ten years of their career, these bankers suddenly appear as if from nowhere to be put in charge of projects or departments that immediately go to hell in a handcart. Over-promising and under-delivering, this banker has either long service or unseemly picture evidence on someone senior to protect him. Rather than being speedily ejected from the building leaving the dust to settle on whatever damage he caused (and you to pick up the pieces), he is shuffled up half a step to another project, in another department, sold on internal 'recommendations'. Repeat until retirement, a board seat or both.

The one who...has no obvious role

An interesting banker, this one. Generally has very long service and yet serves no obvious purpose. Normally in middle management and displays a remarkable ability to suck up to wave after wave of new management as he knows he will outlast all of them. Despicable to subordinates who will all leave him in the dust eventually. Unable to move on as his CV would be blank.

The one who...has all the luck

Fortune favours this banker and he falls on his feet with astonishing regularity. Truly blessed is he who can pull off the old redundancy-payout/immediate-new-job-with-guarantee/three-months-gardening-leave (almost certainly during the warmest summer since records began) triumvirate. He is the proud owner of an invisible teflon overcoat and is untouched by pay cuts, small bonuses and threats of redundancy.

The one who...is the boss's best mate

This banker is to be avoided at all costs. He is the slightly brighter but considerably less charismatic friend of someone who has probably been promoted way beyond their capabilities and needs a psychotic lapdog in place to maintain order. Generally loves a meeting as it gives him chance to ritually humiliate underlings in public. Wields power like a mace and abuses his position wherever possible. Fortunately, his reign is generally short-lived as everyone else hates him. He's first against the wall when his best friend is 'moved on,' as foretold by everyone else.

The one who...is nice but dim (and is usually your boss)

Generally a public schoolboy, often with a floppy fringe and family money. Got into banking via the usual route of Daddy or a close friend of the family. May also be somehow related to an important client. Utterly charming and a pleasure to spend small amounts of time with. Has absolutely no idea what he is or should be doing or, in fact, what anyone around him is or should be doing. Advantages: generous with lunches. Disadvantages: you have to do his job for him.

Finally...the secretarial mafia

Truly terrifying. The secretarial mafia rule all trading floors via a combination of flirting and gossip. Their access to management email accounts mean they know literally everything and use their knowledge with a speed and accuracy that is marvellous to behold unless they have you in their sights. If you fall foul of this group, it is better to cut your losses and leave to start again elsewhere or you will be spending your lunchtimes crying in the toilets.