OUT OF LEHMAN: I am a reformed control freak

Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want. - How true! It's been a year from hell. I've been battered and bruised. My self-belief and confidence have been stretched to the limit. I am, however, stronger, wiser, and far more realistic than I was this time l2 months ago. And here's what I've learnt:

You can be a control freak, but you aren't in control - I spent quite a while asking 'Why me?' Other first year associates at Lehman fared better than I did - some got jobs at Nomura. Most of the lucky ones were pre-placed at Lehman or had slotted into the equities division. I was one of a handful of generalists who opted for roles in fixed income and got dumped. Was this my fault? Nope. Events beyond my sphere of influence got me into this situation. This realization has helped me to accept change instead of fighting it.

Humility helps - I started working full time when I was 18 years old. I therefore wasn't naïve enough to believe I could change the world as a MBA graduate, but I stepped out of business school with some lofty aspirations. Working in the middle office wasn't one of them! I've had to eat my pride, pull up my socks and believe that my time will come.

Desperation gets you nowhere- In the early weeks I pursued every job posting with the zeal of a Ponzi scheme looking for new punters. I cold-called headhunters, networked aggressively and flooded the market with my CV. Emails saying, "Thank you, you are good, but not good enough," deluged my inbox. Final round interview failures became the norm. With time, I became less passionate, more professional, more focused, and better able to handle rejection.

Unemployment has its upsides Dark clouds have a silver lining. When I wasn't working I had time and the company of friends (some ex-Lehman). We visited museums, travelled around Europe and pursued common interests. Sometimes you need to live in the present and forget your aspirations for the future.

So, now that I'm older and wiser, what do I expect for 2009? Ideally. I hope to move from the middle to the front office by Q2. If that doesn't work, I might go back to my home country and start something on my own. 12 months back, I wouldn't have even dreamt of doing that, but the crisis has made me realise that you need to adapt to survive.

Merry Christmas and a very Happy New Year!